Tag Archives: men

Disappointing myself

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I used my blog to air laundry that didn’t need to be aired.  I know better than that.  I am better than that.  It won’t happen again.

This is my blog about my weight loss journey, as well as some bits and pieces.  It should not be where I cryptically, or not so cryptically, give private details of any relationships (romantic or otherwise).  Those details should be between me and whatever person, and that is all.

Those posts have been deleted.

Onward we go.  Have a good day to one and all!

Good friends are the best

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I’m so very thankful for my good friend at work (my work spouse) who let me be an emotional crazy bag lady this afternoon.  I’m grateful for his very calm demeanor, and his analytical approach to life.  I also appreciate his 2 cents on the hypothetical situation I described in an earlier post.

To sum up his thoughts…..from the man’s perspective he simply does not want to enable the woman.  She’s the one who has always said she wanted to lose 20 more pounds.  She’s not finished until she says she is finished.  It’s her battle.  It’s her “thing”.  All he should do is get out of the way, and tell bad jokes from time to time.  It’s obvious he digs her stuff.  It’s obvious he finds her attractive.

So chill the heck out, hypothetical woman!

Work spouse also said that anyone in my zip code and surrounding zip codes knows what I did in the last year and is in complete awe.  He said that 98% of people just say “I could never even attempt that”, then out of the 2% that try, only a small percentage of them accomplish even 50% of what I did.

That’s what he said.  Then he wrapped it all up by calling me a good egg.

I don’t know if it’s ketosis, the weather, or just a slight manic phase….but my mind has been going 3000 mph lately, and it’s no wonder I’m trying to get everything figured out and drive myself nuts in the meantime.

Big sigh.

Conflicted for weeks

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I’m so conflicted because I am satisfied, to a degree, with where I am currently weight-wise.  How could I not be thrilled with 189 when I was 305 one year ago?  How could I not think I’m pretty, and “normal-sized” when I buy clothes in the ladies section and not the women’s or plus-sized?  Would it be so terrible to stay where I am right now and learn to maintain right here?

I don’t think it would be terrible.  Not at all.

I would feel more secure if I lost the 20 pounds…..but I just don’t know if my body will budge.  I first got to 189 at the end of March.  So it’s been 2 months, with 2 significant lapses in the diet.

The diet works, the diet works, the diet works, the diet works.

I feel like I’m at the point of the journey where I need a little boost.  I need someone in my life to tell me I’m perfect the weight I am, and if I never lost another pound, that’s fine.  If I heard those words it would give me the boost I need to go forth.  Because then I would know I was doing it 100% for me, and not partially out of fear of losing the person.

False advertising

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Is this false advertising?

This is a hypothetical scenario.  Please chime in with your thoughts…..

If a formerly morbidly obese woman loses 115 pounds, and has every intention of losing 20 more….so much so that she blogs about it, and tells everyone at work about it, all of her friends, and someone she meets and begins a relationship with.

But the 20 pounds hang on for dear life.

She had the intention.  She still is trying to work towards losing.  She is doing everything in her power to get there.  But the weight doesn’t budge.

Adding to the pressure is the fact the man she is with prefers thin women.  And when asked, he doesn’t state one way or the other if he would stay with her if she never lost another pound.  When asked if he’s with her conditionally there is no response.  Usually no response means the response is “yes”.

And what if, God forbid, the woman gains 10 pounds over the years?  20 pounds?

Perhaps the mistake the woman made was trying to date before she was at her stable weight (goal weight, whatever)?  Or perhaps the mistake the woman made was making it so well known that she wanted to lose more weight?

 

This is how I feel

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Read an interesting article about being in love as a middle-aged person.  OK, I don’t know if my 39 or his 47 qualifies as middle-aged, but I think the content is interesting for two divorced people.

Why Middle Age Is the Best Time to Fall in Love: we couldn’t have been in love with each other at any other time in our lives — only right now by Larry Carlat

The part I like the best is “The best way I can describe it is that it feels at once effortless and rock solid, unbearably light with unfathomable depth, surprising yet richly deserved, like we first met and have known each other forever, which again is the circuitous way of saying that it rocks to be this old.”

The only thing I would change is the final word “old”, which I would change to “age”.

I’m in love, and I know exactly the moment I knew, although that information has not been shared with him, and he would probably guess the wrong moment….as it was nothing obvious.

I believe that love is something that grows, and it’s depth is not black or white…instead love is all of the shades of grey.  But love as a noun, as a “thing”, is black and white, at least to me.  This morning on my drive in to work I thought about this analogy…..love is at first a puddle of water and each time it rains (aka the passage of time and shared experiences) the puddle grows…until eventually it’s a pond, a river, a lake, then an ocean.  But the puddle as a “thing” is love.

I share words of love freely, as everyone in my family does, and I make no apologies for saying it when I say it.  I say it to friends, although it means something different, and they know it means something different.  But when I tell my love interest I love him…..he knows what I mean.

A lot of men have trouble saying it.  They are better demonstrators.  For a plethora of reasons both known and unknown, my guy hasn’t said the words yet.  And that is ok.  I can wait.  I can be very patient.  But he shows me all the time.  All the time.  A lot of times people interpret depth of love as black and white….and that they shouldn’t utter the words until love for them is a lake or an ocean.  And that’s ok.  We are all individuals.  What is important is the demonstration of love.

How does he demonstrate his love?  Some of the ways are:

  • calling me every day
  • seeing me almost every day
  • asking me questions about my diet even if he constantly forgets what I can and cannot eat or drink
  • putting air in my tires
  • simply noticing my tires needed air
  • bringing over goop to fix a scratch in my car
  • helping me do house things….grocery shopping, put my porch together, etc….
  • bonding with my cats and knowing their names (no easy feat)
  • developing a relationship with my mom (which has also been no easy feat)
  • bringing me up-to-speed on cutting-edge television shows such as “I Dream of Jeannie” and “The Odd Couple”
  • wanting me to watch the shows with him instead of napping (sorry about that) or reading a book
  • going to the botanic garden and pretending to be somewhat interested in what we saw there
  • planning our trip….and I mean planning every last moment of our trip
  • not getting frustrated with me when I tell him so often how much I care about him and enjoy being with him
  • telling me how cute/hot/pretty/blonde/whatever I am
  • and many other things………

How do I show him?  Again, women tend to be more verbally expressive, but I’ve tried to demonstrate in the following ways….

  • stepping back and allowing him to do things for me that I’ve done by myself for years….and yes, it’s really fabulous to have someone who wants to help you
  • upgrading my cable package so he has more to choose from even though I would be perfectly fine with only network television
  • giving him space….although he hasn’t needed much of it
  • not placing demands on him
  • letting him announce that I was his girlfriend before I officially called him my boyfriend (strangers on a plane don’t count, especially because he didn’t know)
  • showing my vulnerability and letting him take care of me because he is wired to need that in his important relationships

What I know for sure is the following……

I have not dated much at this weight, and have not dated at this weight in 20 years.  But I have dated.  I’ve met plenty of men….some for just one meeting at a coffee shop….but a lot of men.  And I’ve learned from all of it.  And even though life is new to me, being a thinner, healthier person….my spirit and soul have been with me for 39 years.  And I know who is good for me, and who is good to me.  And I know the man in my life now is good for me and good to me.  And I am good for him and good to him.  We are both lucky.

Tomorrow makes 8 weeks of dating.  Only 8 weeks.  But goodness we’ve spent so much time together in those weeks.  I feel like I’ve known him 8 months instead of 8 weeks.  Not unlike what the article described.

I don’t know where we are headed.  I could make a guess, but that is for another day.  But I do know that for me, right now, he is the perfect man for me, flaws and all.

And that is definitely a puddle heading towards a pond…..and eventually an ocean.

Maybe.

😉

Really ladies? This was not my experience at all…..

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So in today’s Chicago Sun-Times, Cheryl Lavin’s column showcases two women who are “plus-sized and popular”.  http://www.suntimes.com/lifestyles/lavin/19876622-452/advice-from-women-who-are-both-plus-sized-and-popular.html

Really?  Not my experience at all.  At all.  At.  All.

Here in Chicago the only men I found who like the larger ladies are:

  1. Losers (no job, bad teeth, outrageously homely, etc…)
  2. Freakishly thin
  3. Men who don’t mind having sex with the woman, but don’t want to be seen in public with the woman
  4. So obese themselves it’s actually a turn-off for the obese woman who knows at some point she’ll get her act together and will need to be with someone who will eat a vegetable at least once a week.

More power to the women who can actually find the unicorn-of-a-man who “loves me for me”….but I don’t buy it.  Not one iota.  I’ve always been cool.  I’ve always been smart, fun, funny, goofy, responsible, loyal, interesting, positive, pleasant, and kind.  However, that didn’t get me any kind of quality man.  It took losing over 100 pounds and having some self-worth to find that quality man.  The good news for me is he wasn’t available until I lost the weight anyway.  Sometimes timing just works out that way.  Last May as I began my journey toward health he was beginning his own journey towards his own big life changes….and the timing dovetailed quite nicely into finding each other exactly when we were supposed to.

Again, my obese friends don’t want to hear this….but I get to write about my experience as having once weighed over 300 pounds that you have a better chance at finding a quality man when you are a size 16 or less (I’m on the edge of 12/14 currently).  Let’s do the math, shall we?

Over 30 most men are married.  Therefore your population decreases significantly.  From that, subtract out the gay men.  Next subtract out the men you personally do not find appealing for whatever reason.  Then you have to subtract out the men who don’t like “plus-sized” women.  You are now at a very small percentage.  Very small indeed.

I know a woman who has never been married, but really wants to be.  She is pushing 40.  She is smart, attractive, educated, and has a good career.  Unfortunately she is severely obese, just like I was a year ago.  It’s going to be incredibly difficult for her to find a husband of any quality until she loses some weight.  Go ahead and talk about how terrible that is….but it’s human nature….and I didn’t create this situation, I’m just now figuring out that life is much easier if you quit fighting the nature of humankind and simply play within the parameters.

And ladies (because I know it’s mostly women reading my blog), the real key to getting a quality man is to have all of it…..taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally.  A man does indeed want someone who can string some sentences together and make him laugh.  But he needs to also like what he’s looking at at the same time.  And really, can you blame him?  Women are much more forgiving of men….that is well-known.  But given everything, most women with 2 brain cells in her head would prefer an average to above-average looking man with morals, a brain, and a moderate income as over Shrek with a lot of money.

The moral of the story is this:  go ahead and stay fat and unhappy and attracting the wrong type of guy, or lose some weight and have so many benefits you can’t possibly count them all, least of which is having way more quality men to choose from.

And I would know.

Watching the clock

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I can’t write about this without really writing about it. So I guess I can’t write about it.  I’ll just list what I’m feeling.

In no particular order:

  • excitement
  • euphoria
  • happiness
  • feeling like I might vomit
  • nervous energy
  • agitation
  • exhaustion
  • other things not for a blog

So there you have it.  Clear as mud.

In other news, I’m down a pound…back to 190-something from 191-something yesterday.  WHATEVER.  I chewed a pack and a half of gum today getting through a work fire I needed to attend to, and just overall feeling very PMS-like.

Things certainly happen when you least expect it, and then it’s like the earth shifts.  I’m a bit unsettled.  I had a picture of what I thought the next few months might look like…..and now it’s looking different.  However, if the end result is what you wanted, does it really matter that it’s now  instead of 6 months from now?  I’m thinking no.  Only time will tell.

After all, there’s never the perfect time for [insert life event here….example: divorce, death, job loss, tornado damage, falling for someone and having a someone when you didn’t have a someone even one week earlier and now all you want is to be with the someone and it’s probably not rational to feel that way].

~sigh~

Happiness

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Although the weight thing is annoying right now, my boss told me that I’m looking thinner every day.  It’s got to be the exercise.  My body is really changing, even if the scale isn’t moving.  Maybe I am building muscle like people keep telling me I am.  

On a personal level, I’m in a period of intoxicating happiness and excitement.  I actually felt for a moment this afternoon that I might be sick to my stomach or that I might become emotional because of strange feelings I haven’t had in a while are floating all around me right now.  I’m enjoying the heck out of life right now, and I’m trying to live in the moment and be grateful for all good things coming my way.  And if one of the good things is…….well……I’m not saying.

HA!

OK stalkers….off to watch the rest of the results of Dancing with the Stars.  How come Len always got mad at Maks for having his shirt off, but Derek gets to have his shirt off and Len says nothing?  I really do not want to see Derek with his shirt off……

Dating as a(n) FFP

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Former Fat Person

OK, I hate the word fat, but you know what I mean.  I’ve been divorced since 2007, and I’ve dabbled here and there with online dating since then….taking many many many breaks in-between to get away from all of the liars, etc….I’ve run into a lot over the years.  Some adventures include:

  1. Really married, but says he’s not (very common, almost not worth putting on the list)
  2. Say he wants a relationship, but only want a FWB (friend with benefits)
  3. Older than he said
  4. Shorter than he said
  5. Still married (but getting a divorce….I promise)
  6. Bad teeth or not enough teeth (missing teeth he ought to have)
  7. Doesn’t look like the picture(s)
  8. Bad table manners
  9. Ends date by very specifically saying “are you free on Wednesday around 6pm?” only never to hear from him again
  10. Back before I would send a full-body picture of me standing, I would send a face pic thinking “well, I’m a large woman, and I carry weight in my face, so no need for a full-body pic” only for the guy to be an idiot and think I had a size 26-28 face on top of a size 8 body.  I started sending a full-body pic after I realized that happened more than once.  I thought I was ok because I always had a round, fat face.  Some obese woman do not carry their weight in their face, and that is dubious to “trick” a man into meeting you when you send the glamour face shot and you look like you have a size 10-12 face, but a jabba-the-hut body.  I was not that woman.

Just recently I had a phone call with a gentleman (ahem) that I thought I had some decent chemistry with, and had an outstanding first phone call with, only for him to blow me off.  Not before I sent him the link to my blog…so maybe he’ll read this.  LOL.  He very specifically wanted to meet for coffee on a Sunday “around 4pm” as he would be up my way visiting his son (yes, Mitch, I’m talking about you).  He said he would call and we would firm it up.  We spoke on the phone Friday night (he called me).  We texted on Saturday.  Then nothing.  Nothing ever.  I’ve never heard from him again.  That’s just one of many examples of flakes and asshats I’ve run into over the years.

However, just last night I ran into a “new for me” issue.  I’ve been emailing a gentleman (ahem) for about a week, and we’ve texted a little and tried to call each other but never were able to connect.  Last night I was at the gym, and he texted me while I was there, so I told him I was at the gym.  Well, the text conversation was a great opening for me to inform him that I’ve lost 111 pounds since May 2012.  He did the obligatory “wow, that’s great”….but then he wanted to reconfirm my height.  And then he wanted to know my goal weight.  And then…………

He had the audacity and balls to ask if I had “any leftover remnants of [my] weight loss”?  Only he spelled it remenents because he’s a dumbass.  I played dumb and asked “what do you mean?” knowing full well he meant loose skin.  He replied with “I dunno….like loose skin”.  Yes, he wrote “dunno”.  So actually, the asshat disqualified himself by having such a low IQ, but then he REALLY disqualified himself asking such a RUDE and INAPPROPRIATE personal question.  So I told him he was rude.  I also told him that in looking again at the pictures he sent me I could see why he was looking for absolute perfection (ahem).   Note: He would be considered “overweight” if not “obese” by a BMI chart….and didn’t have that cute of a face.  He texted me that after one simple question I became unglued and never to text him again.  Fine by me.

So, stalkers, I’m wondering if there is not only dating discrimination against fat people, but also “former fat people”?  From what I’ve always heard, women who give birth go through many physical changes, and most of them not positive….so I wouldn’t consider what I’m dealing with to be much worse than that.

I’ve not talked much about my loose skin on here, but that’s because I’m one of the luckier ones and my body has bounced back pretty well, considering I was obese for 20 some-odd years.  I have some loose skin in my upper arms and thighs, and yes, my abdomen.  But I don’t look like a trainwreck.  And, the body takes up to 2 years after a weight loss to actually bounce back all the way it’s going to.  Actually, it is recommended that if you think you may need some plastic surgery after weight loss that you don’t do it until AT LEAST ONE YEAR after you hit goal and have maintained.

I’m curious as to what anyone thinks about this new discrimination I’m about to face……please chime in!

I guess I’m pretty cute…..who knew?

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My mom always told me that when I lost weight I would attract a higher caliber of man.  She has proven to be right.  Again.  I really would have made it easier on myself had I simply listened to her all these years.  🙂

I’m not going into detail about this, but suffice it to say I’ve never gotten this amount of male attention in my life…..

😉