Tag Archives: Grief

A very nice day overall

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I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.  Boyfriend has kidney stones, and he was up with pain.  I was up with grief.  While today was my 2nd Mother’s Day without mom being here physically with me, in many ways it was harder.  Last year we had mom’s memorial service the day before Mother’s Day (Saturday, May 10th), and Sunday May 11th I spent time with 2 of my mom’s first cousins, which helped tremendously.  Last night I was just sad.  The old thoughts come back of “did I do enough for my mom?”  I know I did, and I know nothing would ever feel like enough.  The best thing I have found to do for myself when grief happens in the middle of the night is to distract myself by watching television.  I do allow myself some time to think, but I try to do it more during daylight hours, when grief is easier to deal with.

Today I had a lovely day with my boyfriend and his mother.  I never had the chance to get to know my mother-in-law, when I had one, so this whole spending time with a significant others family is still new to me.  I’m happy to say that we had a very nice few hours together.  She is a very warm, very intelligent woman and I look forward to getting to know her more over time.

Oh, and today’s weigh in on my own scale showed a 5 pound drop……so heading in the right direction again.  Hunger is way under control, so I can firmly say I am living proof that too much of artificial sweeteners can mess things up and trick your body.

Overall, a fine day.  But I must say that I’m glad Mother’s Day is over.

Perusing the blogs

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The boyfriend and I are very different in our television habits.  I have a few shows I like to watch…..Grey’s Anatomy, Kardashians (I know, but I’m obviously not the only person watching), Louie…..he is a typical man with 5 shows happening at once and watching all of them, sort of.  Point being, I would rather read or do anything on the computer and/or tablet.  So lately I’ve been reading some new-to-me blogs about obesity and weight loss.  Sure helps to know I’m not alone.

It’s so sad when you can spot when someone is not really ready yet.  I’m an expert at not being ready yet.  My entire 2014 I was not ready yet.  I think I am, and I put all of these plans in place, etc…..but I really was not.  Anyway, when I see others writing in the same way, my heart goes out to them.  For instance, there is a woman I’m following who is in the first few days of her journey.  The rules and regulations she set out for herself (really, really strict, I might add) were amended day one (never a good sign), and have changed each day since.  And whenever I read/hear “I have to exercise every day” I know this is not a good sign…because it’s simply unrealistic, and it’s also unhealthy.

I wish that I could help all of us with addiction tendencies.  On another blog I read something like “I wish I could eat like a normal person”.  If I had a dollar for every time I’ve thought that about myself…..

This entry is a bit jumbled and stream of consciousness, but that’s ok.

I’ve been HUNGRY for the last 3 days.  HUNGRY.  Thinking that appetite suppressants are not all they are cracked up to be.  Currently, the clinic has me on Phentermine or something like that.  Whatevs.

Today I got my uncle’s ancestry.com dna profile…..which only made me sadder that I can’t have my mom’s profile done.  I can get through the days now without thinking about missing her so much, but it still seems unreal that I have to live the rest of my life without my mom physically here with me.  Mother’s Day is coming, and that just seems like a strange, empty day.  Kind of like a holiday for a religion you don’t personally practice.  Last year, my first Mother’s Day without my mom, was the day after her memorial service, and her cousins came to my house on their way up to Wisconsin to see other family (their’s, not mine)….so that was nice.  This year I will be visiting my boyfriend’s mother with him, which will also be nice.

But I would do anything to have one more day with my mom.

One year

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Well, Mom, at 12:05am on Thursday, 2/19/15 it will have been a year since you went to heaven. I don’t recall ever spending one week without talking to you, much less one year. I know where you are you are happy that Dad and I helped each other this year, and grew closer. I know you are happy I’m in touch with more family members. I know you are happy I’m getting my weight under control. And lastly, I know you are happy that you no longer have to struggle to breathe. I love you so much, I will miss you as long as I live, and take joy in the fact we will meet again. I know you are with me, and I know no one could have loved me more.

Six months

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Six months ago today I was at my condo, exhausted, and with my dad.

At 5 minutes after midnight we lost my mom.  It was my parent’s 43rd anniversary.

So exactly 6 months ago I was at home.  In a daze.  I remember the Olympics were on.  I knew it was good to be home, after barely having been there in days.  I was grateful my dad and I were there together.  It was good to be home with the cats.

I think I will blog about those final weeks with my mom soon.  i want to remember it.

I start going to a grief support group in mid-September.  I look forward to being in a room with others who are grieving, to have that community.

I will say that I’m proud that it did not even take the full six months to start to get my health act back together.  Today was Day 11 of 500 calories.  Still at it.  My mom would be very happy about that.

Enough

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Sometimes I wonder if I did enough for my mom.  If I had encouraged her more to exercise, would that have helped her overall health?  If we hadn’t argued so much in her last year about my choice of boyfriend….and some of those arguments were not pretty….would her stress level been better and therefore good enough to keep her alive?  Because I would do everything different if she could be here with me now.

Celebrity

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I am also sorry to hear about Robin Williams’ death.  He was a great talent.  Like almost everyone on the planet, I enjoyed his vast body of work.  I’m so very sorry for his family.

I only hope the bright light in all of this is the fact that his passing is giving a voice to mental illness.

However……..

I have way too many Facebook friends who have posted about crying over his death, etc……It actually irritates me.  I think it’s because I’m jealous.  I’m jealous of the fact that so many people have NOT experienced the loss of a personal loved one that they can get so emotionally torn up over a celebrity passing.

Because let me tell you….once you lose a close loved one, many things are put into perspective.  And crying over the death of a celebrity, even one I appreciated, just will not be happening.  Not anymore.

Here we go again

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Well, mom passed away almost 6 months ago, and after months of poor eating/bingeing, I decided to get my act back together.

I gained a lot of weight back.  A lot.  Not the whole amount, but just 20 pounds shy.  I’m back to having 80-100 pounds to lose.

It finally dawned on me that no amount of ice cream was going to bring my mom back. That grief truly is something that never leaves, you just learn to find a place for it.  I also came to the conclusion that the best way to honor my mom would be to take care of myself physically better than she did for herself.  Mom didn’t have a weight/food problem.  Her problem was smoking, and COPD took her life way too young at 70.

I decided that after going into debt with Ideal Protein I had to try something else.  I know low-carb/no sugar works well, and for overall health is good.  A doctor within my Ob/gyn’s practice used HCG to lose weight, and kept it off.  So I began last Thursday, August 7th.  I don’t know how much I’m going to tout this diet, because they all work, to varying degrees.  The real work is in maintenance, which I always knew, but nothing could’ve prepared me for the last year of my mom’s life, and the stress that would bring, as well as the grief after losing her.

I do know that caring for my mom the last year of her life was not easy, and mourning her death is the hardest thing I will probably ever go through, so I’m hoping maintenance will be easier this go around.

I will have to do more than one round of HCG, with a 6 week break in-between.  The break is a mandatory break with the diet, but according to my doctor, I can still lose weight, just not as fast.  While on HCG a person can lose 30-40 pounds in a month.  So I figure maybe another 15 during the 6 week break, then another 30 with HCG round 2….then with another mandatory break I will either go the rest of the way just low-carb/no sugar, or will do a 3rd round of HCG.

The way the calendar looks is as follows:

  • August 7th – September 15th HCG
  • September 16th – October 27th mandatory break, still low-carb/no sugar
  • October 28th – December 6th HCG round #2
  • December 7th – January 17th 2015 mandatory break, still low-carb/no sugar
  • If needed, HCG round 3 would begin January 18th.

So we are looking at a good 7 months to lose the weight.

And yes, it’s aggressive.  But it’s under a doctor’s watch.  It’s no quicker than Ideal Protein.  Again, the hard part will be maintenance.

Suffocating

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The pain I feel is excruciating.  I love my mom so much and can’t believe she is gone.

And then to pour salt in more wounds, I had to euthanize one of my kitties on Saturday.  She was only nine, but had cancer.

I’m only able to feel normal for minutes at a time, and then the grief washes over me.

I just want to feel better.

Grief

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A quick note and update about where I’ve been again.

My mom passed away after a 12 year battle with COPD on 2/19/14.

I’m not eating out of control, but I’m also not “dieting” either at this moment.

I will be back soon, as I know my mom wanted me to be healthy more than anything in the world, and I won’t let her down.

Please stop smoking, if you smoke.  COPD is a painful, ugly end to life.