Tag Archives: dating

Disappointing myself


I used my blog to air laundry that didn’t need to be aired.  I know better than that.  I am better than that.  It won’t happen again.

This is my blog about my weight loss journey, as well as some bits and pieces.  It should not be where I cryptically, or not so cryptically, give private details of any relationships (romantic or otherwise).  Those details should be between me and whatever person, and that is all.

Those posts have been deleted.

Onward we go.  Have a good day to one and all!

Crossing over


Did I mention over the weekend I became overweight?

Crossed right over the border from obese to overweight.  According to BMI charts, that is.

I was able to tell my guy that he was no longer with an obese woman, now he was just with an overweight woman.  He just chuckled, looked at me funny, and said “to me you are just Amy”.


Nonetheless I’m THRILLED!!!  No matter if my goal is 170 or 160, I know for certain my long-term goal is to be under “obese” for the rest of my life, and for my height that means under 185.9 lbs.

And, as usual after hitting a goal, I’ve stayed off the scale since Saturday.  With normal fluctuations I did NOT want cross back over to obese again.  LOL.  I will weigh in on my own scale on Thursday morning, as Thursday evening is my Ideal Protein office weigh-in, and I like to be able to say “Well this morning I weighed xxx.x”

And I should (fingers crossed) maybe be in the 184 range on Thursday morning.

I had a coworker tell me he didn’t recognize me, as he had not seen me in a while.  Pretty cool.

And I rockin’ some 3 inch heels today too.  I did not pay that price for them…..I paid half that.  new shoes

Oh.  Yeah.

This is how I feel


Read an interesting article about being in love as a middle-aged person.  OK, I don’t know if my 39 or his 47 qualifies as middle-aged, but I think the content is interesting for two divorced people.

Why Middle Age Is the Best Time to Fall in Love: we couldn’t have been in love with each other at any other time in our lives — only right now by Larry Carlat

The part I like the best is “The best way I can describe it is that it feels at once effortless and rock solid, unbearably light with unfathomable depth, surprising yet richly deserved, like we first met and have known each other forever, which again is the circuitous way of saying that it rocks to be this old.”

The only thing I would change is the final word “old”, which I would change to “age”.

I’m in love, and I know exactly the moment I knew, although that information has not been shared with him, and he would probably guess the wrong moment….as it was nothing obvious.

I believe that love is something that grows, and it’s depth is not black or white…instead love is all of the shades of grey.  But love as a noun, as a “thing”, is black and white, at least to me.  This morning on my drive in to work I thought about this analogy…..love is at first a puddle of water and each time it rains (aka the passage of time and shared experiences) the puddle grows…until eventually it’s a pond, a river, a lake, then an ocean.  But the puddle as a “thing” is love.

I share words of love freely, as everyone in my family does, and I make no apologies for saying it when I say it.  I say it to friends, although it means something different, and they know it means something different.  But when I tell my love interest I love him…..he knows what I mean.

A lot of men have trouble saying it.  They are better demonstrators.  For a plethora of reasons both known and unknown, my guy hasn’t said the words yet.  And that is ok.  I can wait.  I can be very patient.  But he shows me all the time.  All the time.  A lot of times people interpret depth of love as black and white….and that they shouldn’t utter the words until love for them is a lake or an ocean.  And that’s ok.  We are all individuals.  What is important is the demonstration of love.

How does he demonstrate his love?  Some of the ways are:

  • calling me every day
  • seeing me almost every day
  • asking me questions about my diet even if he constantly forgets what I can and cannot eat or drink
  • putting air in my tires
  • simply noticing my tires needed air
  • bringing over goop to fix a scratch in my car
  • helping me do house things….grocery shopping, put my porch together, etc….
  • bonding with my cats and knowing their names (no easy feat)
  • developing a relationship with my mom (which has also been no easy feat)
  • bringing me up-to-speed on cutting-edge television shows such as “I Dream of Jeannie” and “The Odd Couple”
  • wanting me to watch the shows with him instead of napping (sorry about that) or reading a book
  • going to the botanic garden and pretending to be somewhat interested in what we saw there
  • planning our trip….and I mean planning every last moment of our trip
  • not getting frustrated with me when I tell him so often how much I care about him and enjoy being with him
  • telling me how cute/hot/pretty/blonde/whatever I am
  • and many other things………

How do I show him?  Again, women tend to be more verbally expressive, but I’ve tried to demonstrate in the following ways….

  • stepping back and allowing him to do things for me that I’ve done by myself for years….and yes, it’s really fabulous to have someone who wants to help you
  • upgrading my cable package so he has more to choose from even though I would be perfectly fine with only network television
  • giving him space….although he hasn’t needed much of it
  • not placing demands on him
  • letting him announce that I was his girlfriend before I officially called him my boyfriend (strangers on a plane don’t count, especially because he didn’t know)
  • showing my vulnerability and letting him take care of me because he is wired to need that in his important relationships

What I know for sure is the following……

I have not dated much at this weight, and have not dated at this weight in 20 years.  But I have dated.  I’ve met plenty of men….some for just one meeting at a coffee shop….but a lot of men.  And I’ve learned from all of it.  And even though life is new to me, being a thinner, healthier person….my spirit and soul have been with me for 39 years.  And I know who is good for me, and who is good to me.  And I know the man in my life now is good for me and good to me.  And I am good for him and good to him.  We are both lucky.

Tomorrow makes 8 weeks of dating.  Only 8 weeks.  But goodness we’ve spent so much time together in those weeks.  I feel like I’ve known him 8 months instead of 8 weeks.  Not unlike what the article described.

I don’t know where we are headed.  I could make a guess, but that is for another day.  But I do know that for me, right now, he is the perfect man for me, flaws and all.

And that is definitely a puddle heading towards a pond…..and eventually an ocean.



Really ladies? This was not my experience at all…..


So in today’s Chicago Sun-Times, Cheryl Lavin’s column showcases two women who are “plus-sized and popular”.  http://www.suntimes.com/lifestyles/lavin/19876622-452/advice-from-women-who-are-both-plus-sized-and-popular.html

Really?  Not my experience at all.  At all.  At.  All.

Here in Chicago the only men I found who like the larger ladies are:

  1. Losers (no job, bad teeth, outrageously homely, etc…)
  2. Freakishly thin
  3. Men who don’t mind having sex with the woman, but don’t want to be seen in public with the woman
  4. So obese themselves it’s actually a turn-off for the obese woman who knows at some point she’ll get her act together and will need to be with someone who will eat a vegetable at least once a week.

More power to the women who can actually find the unicorn-of-a-man who “loves me for me”….but I don’t buy it.  Not one iota.  I’ve always been cool.  I’ve always been smart, fun, funny, goofy, responsible, loyal, interesting, positive, pleasant, and kind.  However, that didn’t get me any kind of quality man.  It took losing over 100 pounds and having some self-worth to find that quality man.  The good news for me is he wasn’t available until I lost the weight anyway.  Sometimes timing just works out that way.  Last May as I began my journey toward health he was beginning his own journey towards his own big life changes….and the timing dovetailed quite nicely into finding each other exactly when we were supposed to.

Again, my obese friends don’t want to hear this….but I get to write about my experience as having once weighed over 300 pounds that you have a better chance at finding a quality man when you are a size 16 or less (I’m on the edge of 12/14 currently).  Let’s do the math, shall we?

Over 30 most men are married.  Therefore your population decreases significantly.  From that, subtract out the gay men.  Next subtract out the men you personally do not find appealing for whatever reason.  Then you have to subtract out the men who don’t like “plus-sized” women.  You are now at a very small percentage.  Very small indeed.

I know a woman who has never been married, but really wants to be.  She is pushing 40.  She is smart, attractive, educated, and has a good career.  Unfortunately she is severely obese, just like I was a year ago.  It’s going to be incredibly difficult for her to find a husband of any quality until she loses some weight.  Go ahead and talk about how terrible that is….but it’s human nature….and I didn’t create this situation, I’m just now figuring out that life is much easier if you quit fighting the nature of humankind and simply play within the parameters.

And ladies (because I know it’s mostly women reading my blog), the real key to getting a quality man is to have all of it…..taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally.  A man does indeed want someone who can string some sentences together and make him laugh.  But he needs to also like what he’s looking at at the same time.  And really, can you blame him?  Women are much more forgiving of men….that is well-known.  But given everything, most women with 2 brain cells in her head would prefer an average to above-average looking man with morals, a brain, and a moderate income as over Shrek with a lot of money.

The moral of the story is this:  go ahead and stay fat and unhappy and attracting the wrong type of guy, or lose some weight and have so many benefits you can’t possibly count them all, least of which is having way more quality men to choose from.

And I would know.


Then I love you

If seeing the beauty of life through your eyes
Is love
Then I love you
If needing you and wanting you
Is love
Then I love you
If growth comes to mind when I think of you
Is love
Then I love you
If I cannot picture life with anyone but you
Is love
Then I love you
If trusting you with my heart
Is love
Then I love you
If trusting you with my thoughts
Is love
Then I love you
If putting you before me
Is love
Then I love you
If everything is you
Is love
Then I love you
If writing this poem for you
Is love
Then I love you
If loving you
Is love
Then I love you
If every part of misses you
Is love
Then I love you
If smiling when I see you
Is love
Then I love you
If being lonely without you
Is love
Then I love you
If every word is meant and felt
Is love
Then I love you
If dreaming of you everyday
Is love
Then I love you
If appreciating what life can offer
Is love
Then I love you
If being a better person just for you
Is love
Then I love you
If dreams can come true
Is love
Then I love you
If making you my number one
Is love
Then I love you
If swallowing my pride
Is love
Then I love you
If the best is what I want
Is love
Then I love you

Neo Molefe Wa Peloeahae Peloeahae

Then I love you…

Yay for the weekend!


This weekend I had a fabulous time seeing some sites from a different perspective, and some for the first time.

Ended up getting a tour of West Roger’s Park on Friday night, where I heard a lot of interesting stories, many of them quite funny, but always fascinating.  Then hung out at The Hop Haus in Rogers Park.  After meeting some nice people there, one of whom picked up part of the tab, ended up at Uncommon Ground with some friends.

Saturday I traveled with A Special Person to Bloomington-Normal, Illinois, home of both Illinois State University and Illinois Wesleyan University.  It was a really nice day weather-wise, although a bit windy, but it was lovely to be outside for so much of the day and evening.  We did a decent amount of walking around the campus and the towns.  There is always such a different kind of energy in a college town, and it was fun to see the town through the eyes of someone who remembered the place being quite different when they lived there a while ago.

Today we meandered our way back home but made a quick detour to Utica, IL, home of Starved Rock State Park.  We didn’t hang out at the park proper long (a lot of people, some bugs [believe it or not]) but we saw the Starved Rock Lock and Dam system for a little while.

The best part of the weekend, other than simply spending so much time with people I enjoy, was the fact that for the first time in a very long time I was the passenger.  I didn’t have to plan any of the events.  I was just able to sit back and enjoy.

So it was a tiny weekend away that was well-deserved and very enjoyable for so many reasons.



I will blog more about this tomorrow, but I’m heading into a different phase of my weight loss journey.  Should be interesting.  I’m not without concern….but I will learn as I go and will share it as I do.

On a completely unrelated note my life is being enhanced by a new person.  Over the last few years I’ve met plenty of new people…some good, some bad.  This one feels like a really special secret that I don’t want to share because I want to nurture the situation and let it grow into something really beautiful.  The first 4 days were intoxicating, then I panicked and got weird, and the past 2 days were special and simple and lovely. Sturdy. Rooted. Enjoyable. Solid. Patient. Good.

And yeah, hot.

But really really good.

Watching the clock


I can’t write about this without really writing about it. So I guess I can’t write about it.  I’ll just list what I’m feeling.

In no particular order:

  • excitement
  • euphoria
  • happiness
  • feeling like I might vomit
  • nervous energy
  • agitation
  • exhaustion
  • other things not for a blog

So there you have it.  Clear as mud.

In other news, I’m down a pound…back to 190-something from 191-something yesterday.  WHATEVER.  I chewed a pack and a half of gum today getting through a work fire I needed to attend to, and just overall feeling very PMS-like.

Things certainly happen when you least expect it, and then it’s like the earth shifts.  I’m a bit unsettled.  I had a picture of what I thought the next few months might look like…..and now it’s looking different.  However, if the end result is what you wanted, does it really matter that it’s now  instead of 6 months from now?  I’m thinking no.  Only time will tell.

After all, there’s never the perfect time for [insert life event here….example: divorce, death, job loss, tornado damage, falling for someone and having a someone when you didn’t have a someone even one week earlier and now all you want is to be with the someone and it’s probably not rational to feel that way].