Tag Archives: crabby

No relief

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Running gave me relief.  On this diet I can’t run.

Unfortunately this diet is making me crazy.  And work is not great right now.  So I need the stress-relief.

For 38 years my stress-relief was food.  I can’t have food.  I can’t run.

All I’m doing is sleeping, crying, being overly emotional, and a crazy mess.

Fun, huh?  I’m a regular joy to be around currently.

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Choose to be positive

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OK, considering the vast majority of my posts are positive I can’t beat myself up too much about last night’s meltdown.  You all know I love Ideal Protein.  You all know I’ve lost 100+ pounds since May 30th, 2012.  You all know.  

It’s also good to be transparent with my struggles, because I don’t want anyone to think, not for a moment, that this has been easy.  Nor do I want anyone to think that just because I’ve lost most of the weight I want to lose that the struggle is over.  This will be a lifelong struggle for me, and that’s just the truth.

With any struggle there will be easier times and harder times.  At this juncture it’s been a bit more difficult, for many reasons.  And going through sugar/carb withdrawal 2 weeks in a row is nothing I would recommend.  Those closest to me, emotionally and by proximity, have bared the brunt of the emotional roller coaster and I’m really sorry about that.  I’m human.  I continue to try to improve, but I am human.

That said I’m going to view food as medicine for now, and nothing more.  I have to look at everything I can’t eat right now as poison, and maybe that will help.  I don’t know.

All I can do is try.

I really miss running because it was such a great stress relief and now it’s like I have nothing for stress relief.  

191.2 this morning.  If I could just never see the 190’s again I will be a very happy girl.  And the only one who can ensure I never see them again is the woman writing this blog.

So here I go.  Again.

I am really upset

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I’m just sick of being on this diet.  Nothing tastes good to me anymore.  If I have another piece of bland chicken, or another green vegetable with nothing on it besides salt, or another protein drink….I think I might vomit.

I’m so weary.  I’m so tired of being able to order maybe 2 things on any menu, and still having to customize the order.  And I’m tired of not being able to drink anything besides water and coffee (but only 1 oz of skim milk….God forbid you have more than 1 oz of skim milk per day in your coffee).  I want a diet soda now and then.  I want a margarita now and then.  For Memorial Day I would like to eat a bun with my hamburger or hot dog, and put ketchup on it, and eat potato salad and chips and baked beans.  Guess what?  Other than the ground beef I can’t eat any of it!!!!!!!  Not one bit of it!!!!!!!  Fun Memorial Day picnic, huh?

All of this for 20 more pounds.  I hate weight.  I hate that most men only want to be with thin women.  I hate that most women have serious issues with their bodies and with food because men only want to be with thin women.  And I hate that I will never be thin.  The best I can do is to just not be fat.  But I’ll never be able to wear a bikini.  Never.  Not unless I win the lottery and can have skin removal surgery.  It’s just my punishment for being such a terrible, flawed person who medicated herself with food and now I live in a shell of a body that will never look right no matter how much weight I lose.

I hate broccoli and cauliflower.  I hate almost all vegetables.  I can’t stand eating healthy foods, but I enjoy feeling healthy.  Healthy foods taste terrible.  All of the people who say their tastes change after eating healthy and losing weight are LIARS.

I hate that I have a food addiction.  I hate it when there are people who do not have addiction and cannot understand understand or empathize with addiction.  If I could simply “watch what I eat” or “not care about food” then I wouldn’t have ever gotten to 327 pounds at my heaviest.

I hate that I have no coping mechanisms.  Running was great, but then it got in the way of the precious Ideal Protein diet.  I will never understand how physical activity can counteract a diet…..but I’m living proof that it can….because I ran from January – April and lost only 10 pounds…..and should have been at my goal weight by now.

And I hate my goal weight.  Yes, I picked 170.  But 170 can go to hell.  I hate everything about weight, food, diet, and numbers.

And yes, I used the word hate a lot in this post.  Oh well.

Weight loss is a mental game

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So, pending the Christmas miracle….I will NOT hit 199.9 by Christmas.  I really thought I was on the road to hitting that goal.  However, the losses have ground to a halt.  Look at these crazy numbers…

12/10/12 204.85
12/14/12 203.71
12/15/12 203.73
12/16/12 204.96
12/17/12 204.26
12/18/12 205.1
12/19/12 203.97

So 204.85 (from 12/10) to 203.97 (on 12/19) means I’m not even down one full pound in 9 days.  I’m only down 5.4 for the month of December.  This month could actually be the worst yet, followed only by October.

The only things I can speculate that have messed me up are the following:

  1. I ate 4 pecan halves, sugared, at Christkindlmarkt in Chicago on Sunday.  4.  As in could barely even taste the damn things.
  2. While I’ve been in the 30’s for net carbs, there have been a couple of days where I hit 52 for overall carbs (really?).
  3. I had a couple of higher-calorie days (like 1250 calories instead of 950-1050), but still under 50 for carbs.
  4. A couple of days I was light on the veggies, but there are other days I get more than the recommended 4 cups…but again, see point #2.
  5. I had my period the week of Thanksgiving, then again 2 weeks later, and then today it started AGAIN out of nowhere.

I know I will get there.  I know the 199.9 number is arbitrary.  I know I’ve already won the war.  It just still would have been nice to have made it for Christmas.  I realize the biggest Christmas gift to myself is the health I’ve given myself by losing 100 pounds.  I just hope the last 25-45 don’t take me 6 months to lose…..

OK, I will stop whining now.  Thank you for indulging me.

 

 

Crabby is the new normal

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Apparently I’m just going to be crabby until I’ve lost all the weight I want and can actually eat some carbs again. Unfortunately, it’s not getting easier, it’s getting harder…especially with the colder weather and holidays approaching. And no, I’m not going to take a break. I never want to have to do this again, so I just want to push through and get it over with.