Running gave me relief. On this diet I can’t run.
Unfortunately this diet is making me crazy. And work is not great right now. So I need the stress-relief.
For 38 years my stress-relief was food. I can’t have food. I can’t run.
All I’m doing is sleeping, crying, being overly emotional, and a crazy mess.
Fun, huh? I’m a regular joy to be around currently.
OK, considering the vast majority of my posts are positive I can’t beat myself up too much about last night’s meltdown. You all know I love Ideal Protein. You all know I’ve lost 100+ pounds since May 30th, 2012. You all know.
It’s also good to be transparent with my struggles, because I don’t want anyone to think, not for a moment, that this has been easy. Nor do I want anyone to think that just because I’ve lost most of the weight I want to lose that the struggle is over. This will be a lifelong struggle for me, and that’s just the truth.
With any struggle there will be easier times and harder times. At this juncture it’s been a bit more difficult, for many reasons. And going through sugar/carb withdrawal 2 weeks in a row is nothing I would recommend. Those closest to me, emotionally and by proximity, have bared the brunt of the emotional roller coaster and I’m really sorry about that. I’m human. I continue to try to improve, but I am human.
That said I’m going to view food as medicine for now, and nothing more. I have to look at everything I can’t eat right now as poison, and maybe that will help. I don’t know.
All I can do is try.
I really miss running because it was such a great stress relief and now it’s like I have nothing for stress relief.
191.2 this morning. If I could just never see the 190’s again I will be a very happy girl. And the only one who can ensure I never see them again is the woman writing this blog.
So here I go. Again.
I’m just sick of being on this diet. Nothing tastes good to me anymore. If I have another piece of bland chicken, or another green vegetable with nothing on it besides salt, or another protein drink….I think I might vomit.
I’m so weary. I’m so tired of being able to order maybe 2 things on any menu, and still having to customize the order. And I’m tired of not being able to drink anything besides water and coffee (but only 1 oz of skim milk….God forbid you have more than 1 oz of skim milk per day in your coffee). I want a diet soda now and then. I want a margarita now and then. For Memorial Day I would like to eat a bun with my hamburger or hot dog, and put ketchup on it, and eat potato salad and chips and baked beans. Guess what? Other than the ground beef I can’t eat any of it!!!!!!! Not one bit of it!!!!!!! Fun Memorial Day picnic, huh?
All of this for 20 more pounds. I hate weight. I hate that most men only want to be with thin women. I hate that most women have serious issues with their bodies and with food because men only want to be with thin women. And I hate that I will never be thin. The best I can do is to just not be fat. But I’ll never be able to wear a bikini. Never. Not unless I win the lottery and can have skin removal surgery. It’s just my punishment for being such a terrible, flawed person who medicated herself with food and now I live in a shell of a body that will never look right no matter how much weight I lose.
I hate broccoli and cauliflower. I hate almost all vegetables. I can’t stand eating healthy foods, but I enjoy feeling healthy. Healthy foods taste terrible. All of the people who say their tastes change after eating healthy and losing weight are LIARS.
I hate that I have a food addiction. I hate it when there are people who do not have addiction and cannot understand understand or empathize with addiction. If I could simply “watch what I eat” or “not care about food” then I wouldn’t have ever gotten to 327 pounds at my heaviest.
I hate that I have no coping mechanisms. Running was great, but then it got in the way of the precious Ideal Protein diet. I will never understand how physical activity can counteract a diet…..but I’m living proof that it can….because I ran from January – April and lost only 10 pounds…..and should have been at my goal weight by now.
And I hate my goal weight. Yes, I picked 170. But 170 can go to hell. I hate everything about weight, food, diet, and numbers.
And yes, I used the word hate a lot in this post. Oh well.
I have no patience when it comes to my professional life. And I need some. Now. I feel like I’m about to fly away on a broomstick today.
So, pending the Christmas miracle….I will NOT hit 199.9 by Christmas. I really thought I was on the road to hitting that goal. However, the losses have ground to a halt. Look at these crazy numbers…
So 204.85 (from 12/10) to 203.97 (on 12/19) means I’m not even down one full pound in 9 days. I’m only down 5.4 for the month of December. This month could actually be the worst yet, followed only by October.
The only things I can speculate that have messed me up are the following:
- I ate 4 pecan halves, sugared, at Christkindlmarkt in Chicago on Sunday. 4. As in could barely even taste the damn things.
- While I’ve been in the 30’s for net carbs, there have been a couple of days where I hit 52 for overall carbs (really?).
- I had a couple of higher-calorie days (like 1250 calories instead of 950-1050), but still under 50 for carbs.
- A couple of days I was light on the veggies, but there are other days I get more than the recommended 4 cups…but again, see point #2.
- I had my period the week of Thanksgiving, then again 2 weeks later, and then today it started AGAIN out of nowhere.
I know I will get there. I know the 199.9 number is arbitrary. I know I’ve already won the war. It just still would have been nice to have made it for Christmas. I realize the biggest Christmas gift to myself is the health I’ve given myself by losing 100 pounds. I just hope the last 25-45 don’t take me 6 months to lose…..
OK, I will stop whining now. Thank you for indulging me.
Apparently I’m just going to be crabby until I’ve lost all the weight I want and can actually eat some carbs again. Unfortunately, it’s not getting easier, it’s getting harder…especially with the colder weather and holidays approaching. And no, I’m not going to take a break. I never want to have to do this again, so I just want to push through and get it over with.