Tag Archives: Addiction

If I had one wish

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If I had one wish, I would wish for this illness of food addiction/dysfunctional relationship with food to be removed from me.

It is something that has been in my brain almost every moment of every day of my life.

Either obsessive calorie/carb/points counting and journaling, or eating whatever/whenever but then having self-hatred/fear all day long.

Why can’t I just not give a crap about food?  Will I really have to log my food into a journal every day for the rest of my life?  It’s all so overwhelming.

Meanwhile, I still just want my clothes to fit.  How did I let this happen to myself?  How did I allow myself to get over 200 again?  How??????????

I’m embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted.  I know I need to forgive myself…..but I actually hate myself for what I’ve done.  I’ve set myself back.  I could be at 160 by now, or close……instead I’ve gone in the other direction for the last 2 months.

Back to eating hard-boiled eggs and a protein drink for lunch.  When will it end?

Compulsive Overeater

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“Hello, my name is Amy, and I’m a compulsive overeater.”

“Hi Amy”

At this link http://oa12step4coes.org/questions.html you will find a list of 15 questions.  If you answer “Yes” to 3 or more you are, or on your way to becoming, a compulsive overeater.

Here is how I answered the questions.

  1. Do you eat when you’re not hungry?  Sometimes.  So yes.
  2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?  Sometimes.  So yes.
  3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?  Is the pope Catholic? Yes.
  4. Do you give too much time and thought for food?  Is “all the time” too much time?  Yes.
  5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?  When I’m not on my plan.  So yes.
  6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?  Sometimes.  So yes.
  7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?  When I’m not on my plan.  So yes.
  8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?  It did more at 300 pounds. But considering I can’t eat/drink what everyone else does else I gain weight quickly, then yes.
  9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?  Until last year and Ideal Protein, yes.
  10. Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?  I hate those assholes.
  11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?  Yes, however now it’s the truth because I know if I eat low-carb/no sugar I can lose weight.
  12. Do you crave food at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?  Yes.  Late night especially.
  13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?  100% absolute YES.
  14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?  Yes.
  15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?  Yes.

I answered “yes” to all 15 questions.  I always was a perfectionist.  Except I would rather not be a perfectionist addict.

*sigh*

I would like those donuts

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Back in the office today and someone brought in donuts for the department.  Add to the fact that every day I’m surrounded by chocolate……

Ugh.

Today is day 4.  I have felt physically terrible since Sunday morning….and to top it all off I weighed 207.9 this morning (.9 more than yesterday).  I’m having a lot of gastrointestinal distress from the change of eating, so perhaps that is what is causing the gain.  Whatever.  I haven’t strayed from the plan.  The plan just sucks.  It always does.

So of course the addict in me wants sugar.  Badly.  I want to feel better.  A dopamine fix.  Disregard the fact that sugar withdrawal is why I’m sitting here feeling so physically “blah”.  But there is a big part of my psyche that wants to say “screw it”.  

I can’t.  I won’t.  I don’t have it in me to go through withdrawals AGAIN so soon, if I was to go ahead and have sugar today.  It would be a temporary fix for a permanent issue.

I just don’t know why I couldn’t have been someone who eats to live.  I’m dating one of those people right now.  Not only does he tend to be thin anyway, but even when he eats he only eats moderate amounts.  And believe me, he only eats junk.  Now I know eating junk is not good for anyone.  I just wish that when I ate junk it didn’t set me off on a spiral of eating more and more and more.  He eats junk, maybe not even everything on his plate, and then doesn’t think about eating again for several hours.

I hate being an addict.  I really and truly hate it.  

Getting to the bottom of the sugar craze

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OK Lori, this post is for you.

You and I are not the only ones who binge on sugar after leaving IP.  You and I are not the only ones who were former salt/carb addicts, and now mysteriously only want sugar.

So there’s got to be something there.

Before IP I would not pass up dessert.  What 300 pound person passes up dessert?  But at 300 pounds I craved pizza, pasta, bread, rice, chips, etc….and dessert just topped it all off.  But now, as a 185-205 pound person whenever I leave the no sugar/low carb plan of Ideal Protein it’s like I can’t get enough sugar.

I can pass by pizza, pasta, bread, rice, chips, etc…..I can make “healthy” meal choices…a la proteins and non-starchy veggies.  But I can eat desserts like the end of the world is coming.

Let me tell you what I ate yesterday……

  • 4 big cookies at a work meeting.
  • 1 big dish of Yogurtland
  • 2 Weight Watchers desserts (yeah, funny, right?)
  • 1 box, yes box, yes the entire box, of Girl Scout thin mints from the freezer

This was after I knew I was going back “on plan” today.

And believe me, there have been a few days over the last 2 weeks where my sugar eating has been that way…..where I get a dessert at Culvers only to hit Yogurtland immediately after, and then get a Steak & Shake milkshake a few hours later.  Oh yeah, I said it.

True food addiction behavior.

How could someone who has lost 100 pounds revert to this behavior?  Easy.  It’s an addiction.

My mother has always been a fan of Robert Downey Jr., who very publicly struggled with drug addiction.  Whenever she says to me “just stop it!” I ask her if she would have said that to Robert Downey Jr.  For that moment she “gets it”, but then will say “just stop it” a week later so obviously she doesn’t really “get it”.

The addiction is like having an out-of-body experience.  I can sit there knowing I shouldn’t eat the item but I eat it anyway.  I know I’m putting my health at risk.  I know I’m putting my waistline and clothes fitting at risk.  I know I’m putting my relationship at risk (he didn’t sign up for dating an obese woman, and that’s never been a secret).  And yet I still eat the item.

Until the health community and society-at-large recognizes food addiction as a real thing plaguing so many of us, it’s going to be even more difficult to get the help we really need.

So back to my original thought……why do so many of us (most of us? all of us?) who leave Ideal Protein (or other no sugar/low carb diets) go absolutely batshit berserk for sugar when we used to be salt freaks?  Is it the deprivation?  What is it????

Hopefully we will figure this out, and more importantly, find a way to incorporate *some* amount of “reasonable” sugar back into our lives without it triggering some crazy addiction behavior.

Because all I want is the ability to enjoy a Yogurtland a couple of times a week on a summer night and not have the binges that I do now.

No relief

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Running gave me relief.  On this diet I can’t run.

Unfortunately this diet is making me crazy.  And work is not great right now.  So I need the stress-relief.

For 38 years my stress-relief was food.  I can’t have food.  I can’t run.

All I’m doing is sleeping, crying, being overly emotional, and a crazy mess.

Fun, huh?  I’m a regular joy to be around currently.

False advertising

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Is this false advertising?

This is a hypothetical scenario.  Please chime in with your thoughts…..

If a formerly morbidly obese woman loses 115 pounds, and has every intention of losing 20 more….so much so that she blogs about it, and tells everyone at work about it, all of her friends, and someone she meets and begins a relationship with.

But the 20 pounds hang on for dear life.

She had the intention.  She still is trying to work towards losing.  She is doing everything in her power to get there.  But the weight doesn’t budge.

Adding to the pressure is the fact the man she is with prefers thin women.  And when asked, he doesn’t state one way or the other if he would stay with her if she never lost another pound.  When asked if he’s with her conditionally there is no response.  Usually no response means the response is “yes”.

And what if, God forbid, the woman gains 10 pounds over the years?  20 pounds?

Perhaps the mistake the woman made was trying to date before she was at her stable weight (goal weight, whatever)?  Or perhaps the mistake the woman made was making it so well known that she wanted to lose more weight?

 

I am really upset

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I’m just sick of being on this diet.  Nothing tastes good to me anymore.  If I have another piece of bland chicken, or another green vegetable with nothing on it besides salt, or another protein drink….I think I might vomit.

I’m so weary.  I’m so tired of being able to order maybe 2 things on any menu, and still having to customize the order.  And I’m tired of not being able to drink anything besides water and coffee (but only 1 oz of skim milk….God forbid you have more than 1 oz of skim milk per day in your coffee).  I want a diet soda now and then.  I want a margarita now and then.  For Memorial Day I would like to eat a bun with my hamburger or hot dog, and put ketchup on it, and eat potato salad and chips and baked beans.  Guess what?  Other than the ground beef I can’t eat any of it!!!!!!!  Not one bit of it!!!!!!!  Fun Memorial Day picnic, huh?

All of this for 20 more pounds.  I hate weight.  I hate that most men only want to be with thin women.  I hate that most women have serious issues with their bodies and with food because men only want to be with thin women.  And I hate that I will never be thin.  The best I can do is to just not be fat.  But I’ll never be able to wear a bikini.  Never.  Not unless I win the lottery and can have skin removal surgery.  It’s just my punishment for being such a terrible, flawed person who medicated herself with food and now I live in a shell of a body that will never look right no matter how much weight I lose.

I hate broccoli and cauliflower.  I hate almost all vegetables.  I can’t stand eating healthy foods, but I enjoy feeling healthy.  Healthy foods taste terrible.  All of the people who say their tastes change after eating healthy and losing weight are LIARS.

I hate that I have a food addiction.  I hate it when there are people who do not have addiction and cannot understand understand or empathize with addiction.  If I could simply “watch what I eat” or “not care about food” then I wouldn’t have ever gotten to 327 pounds at my heaviest.

I hate that I have no coping mechanisms.  Running was great, but then it got in the way of the precious Ideal Protein diet.  I will never understand how physical activity can counteract a diet…..but I’m living proof that it can….because I ran from January – April and lost only 10 pounds…..and should have been at my goal weight by now.

And I hate my goal weight.  Yes, I picked 170.  But 170 can go to hell.  I hate everything about weight, food, diet, and numbers.

And yes, I used the word hate a lot in this post.  Oh well.

Why do people revert to destructive behavior?

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OK stalkers, I’m going into territory that might offend some, but because I’ve been there, I’m allowed to think it, believe it, say it, and write it.  What I’m going to state is not new news, but it’s the unpleasant truth that we need to hear, and I continue to need to hear it, and will continue my entire life to work on it.

Most people are overweight because they don’t care about themselves.

Only the tiniest of a percentage of population have some real physical reason they can’t lose weight.  Like .0021%.  OK, I don’t have the actual percentage, but you know what I mean.  The rest of us simply eat for comfort.

And for stress.  And for celebration.  For disappointment.  For fun.  For boredom.  But mostly, because we are unhappy and we are medicating with food.

The thing that makes me maddest about my journey to health is the fact that our society is so messed up with portion sizes, processed foods, and fast foods.  Why aren’t there drive-throughs for fruit?  Or for vegetable trays?  Why don’t insurance companies pay for prevention?  Yes, they are getting better, but it’s not where it needs to be….not by a long shot.  If we were where we needed to be, my Ideal Protein space food would be at least partially covered by insurance.  Heck, it doesn’t even qualify as an FSA expenditure!  Being healthy is not cheap, and that is yet another reason why so many obese people are lost as to how to begin.

Why not just eat less and move more?  OK, that works for part of the population.  But for the truly addicted, and I’m one of them, unless you remove carbs and sugars from your diet you just continue to have the spikes in blood sugar that ultimately makes you crazy because the cravings never go away.  This is why after 3 days or 3 weeks an addict ends up binge eating.

We are unhappy because of something in our life, so we eat.  Then we are not only unhappy with the thing we began medicating with food, but we compound it by being unhappy with being overweight.  A vicious cycle.  And the only way to stop the cycle is to lose weight, and find other ways to deal with the unhappy something that started it all.

And for true food addicts, you need a plan that supports you fighting your addiction, which for me is no carb/no sugar.  And actually I’m really beginning to see that it is sugar more than anything for me, at least mentally.

It’s so sad for me to be around people who do not recognize that they are in the middle of this struggle that I know so well.  Certain people in my life continue to be in the gaining weight pattern of unhappiness.  I’m in pain for them, and wish I could do more to help.  All I can do is live my life and support them in whatever ways they are able to accept.

Food addiction as a “thing” is just starting to get recognition in the medical field.  It is no different than a nicotine, alcohol, gambling, or drug addiction.  Sex addiction is still in that same space as food addiction….most people scoff at both of them and think that it’s mind over matter.  However, anyone who has ever truly battled an addiction knows that there is a tiny, evil voice in our heads that drives us to the destruction.  So while I would also like to scoff at the concept of sex addiction, I do believe it must be real because I know how addiction works.  I also know that when we are healthy of mind, we can stomp out the evil voice…..but it is difficult.  The evil voice is always there, it’s just some days the voice is louder than other days.

I briefly dated an alcoholic (yeah, great idea for one addict to date another…..duh and ugh at the same time) and he was forever telling me that I had a more difficult addiction to overcome because, while an alcoholic does not need to drink to survive, and they never have to go into a bar again, a person DOES have to eat food to survive.  And not only that, but “bad” food is constantly in our faces.  Daily we have to make the commitment to ourselves to eat what is healthy instead of what is unhealthy.  I always just thanked him for those comments, but I don’t like it when something as serious as addiction to turn into a competition….”I have it harder than you do” doesn’t really serve anyone positively.  And anyway, there are no gold medals or blue ribbons being handed out for most difficult addiction to overcome……

Or maybe there is.  Let me know if there is because I’m always in the market for a gold medal or blue ribbon.

🙂