Tag Archives: Addiction

Victory

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Boyfriend has been out of town since Sunday and is coming home in a couple of hours.  Every time, since my mom passed away, that he’s been out of town I binge ate…..until this trip.

So that is progress right there.  Yay for me!

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If I had one wish

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If I had one wish, I would wish for this illness of food addiction/dysfunctional relationship with food to be removed from me.

It is something that has been in my brain almost every moment of every day of my life.

Either obsessive calorie/carb/points counting and journaling, or eating whatever/whenever but then having self-hatred/fear all day long.

Why can’t I just not give a crap about food?  Will I really have to log my food into a journal every day for the rest of my life?  It’s all so overwhelming.

Meanwhile, I still just want my clothes to fit.  How did I let this happen to myself?  How did I allow myself to get over 200 again?  How??????????

I’m embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted.  I know I need to forgive myself…..but I actually hate myself for what I’ve done.  I’ve set myself back.  I could be at 160 by now, or close……instead I’ve gone in the other direction for the last 2 months.

Back to eating hard-boiled eggs and a protein drink for lunch.  When will it end?

Compulsive Overeater

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“Hello, my name is Amy, and I’m a compulsive overeater.”

“Hi Amy”

At this link http://oa12step4coes.org/questions.html you will find a list of 15 questions.  If you answer “Yes” to 3 or more you are, or on your way to becoming, a compulsive overeater.

Here is how I answered the questions.

  1. Do you eat when you’re not hungry?  Sometimes.  So yes.
  2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?  Sometimes.  So yes.
  3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?  Is the pope Catholic? Yes.
  4. Do you give too much time and thought for food?  Is “all the time” too much time?  Yes.
  5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?  When I’m not on my plan.  So yes.
  6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?  Sometimes.  So yes.
  7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?  When I’m not on my plan.  So yes.
  8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?  It did more at 300 pounds. But considering I can’t eat/drink what everyone else does else I gain weight quickly, then yes.
  9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?  Until last year and Ideal Protein, yes.
  10. Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?  I hate those assholes.
  11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?  Yes, however now it’s the truth because I know if I eat low-carb/no sugar I can lose weight.
  12. Do you crave food at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?  Yes.  Late night especially.
  13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?  100% absolute YES.
  14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?  Yes.
  15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?  Yes.

I answered “yes” to all 15 questions.  I always was a perfectionist.  Except I would rather not be a perfectionist addict.

*sigh*

I would like those donuts

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Back in the office today and someone brought in donuts for the department.  Add to the fact that every day I’m surrounded by chocolate……

Ugh.

Today is day 4.  I have felt physically terrible since Sunday morning….and to top it all off I weighed 207.9 this morning (.9 more than yesterday).  I’m having a lot of gastrointestinal distress from the change of eating, so perhaps that is what is causing the gain.  Whatever.  I haven’t strayed from the plan.  The plan just sucks.  It always does.

So of course the addict in me wants sugar.  Badly.  I want to feel better.  A dopamine fix.  Disregard the fact that sugar withdrawal is why I’m sitting here feeling so physically “blah”.  But there is a big part of my psyche that wants to say “screw it”.  

I can’t.  I won’t.  I don’t have it in me to go through withdrawals AGAIN so soon, if I was to go ahead and have sugar today.  It would be a temporary fix for a permanent issue.

I just don’t know why I couldn’t have been someone who eats to live.  I’m dating one of those people right now.  Not only does he tend to be thin anyway, but even when he eats he only eats moderate amounts.  And believe me, he only eats junk.  Now I know eating junk is not good for anyone.  I just wish that when I ate junk it didn’t set me off on a spiral of eating more and more and more.  He eats junk, maybe not even everything on his plate, and then doesn’t think about eating again for several hours.

I hate being an addict.  I really and truly hate it.  

Getting to the bottom of the sugar craze

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OK Lori, this post is for you.

You and I are not the only ones who binge on sugar after leaving IP.  You and I are not the only ones who were former salt/carb addicts, and now mysteriously only want sugar.

So there’s got to be something there.

Before IP I would not pass up dessert.  What 300 pound person passes up dessert?  But at 300 pounds I craved pizza, pasta, bread, rice, chips, etc….and dessert just topped it all off.  But now, as a 185-205 pound person whenever I leave the no sugar/low carb plan of Ideal Protein it’s like I can’t get enough sugar.

I can pass by pizza, pasta, bread, rice, chips, etc…..I can make “healthy” meal choices…a la proteins and non-starchy veggies.  But I can eat desserts like the end of the world is coming.

Let me tell you what I ate yesterday……

  • 4 big cookies at a work meeting.
  • 1 big dish of Yogurtland
  • 2 Weight Watchers desserts (yeah, funny, right?)
  • 1 box, yes box, yes the entire box, of Girl Scout thin mints from the freezer

This was after I knew I was going back “on plan” today.

And believe me, there have been a few days over the last 2 weeks where my sugar eating has been that way…..where I get a dessert at Culvers only to hit Yogurtland immediately after, and then get a Steak & Shake milkshake a few hours later.  Oh yeah, I said it.

True food addiction behavior.

How could someone who has lost 100 pounds revert to this behavior?  Easy.  It’s an addiction.

My mother has always been a fan of Robert Downey Jr., who very publicly struggled with drug addiction.  Whenever she says to me “just stop it!” I ask her if she would have said that to Robert Downey Jr.  For that moment she “gets it”, but then will say “just stop it” a week later so obviously she doesn’t really “get it”.

The addiction is like having an out-of-body experience.  I can sit there knowing I shouldn’t eat the item but I eat it anyway.  I know I’m putting my health at risk.  I know I’m putting my waistline and clothes fitting at risk.  I know I’m putting my relationship at risk (he didn’t sign up for dating an obese woman, and that’s never been a secret).  And yet I still eat the item.

Until the health community and society-at-large recognizes food addiction as a real thing plaguing so many of us, it’s going to be even more difficult to get the help we really need.

So back to my original thought……why do so many of us (most of us? all of us?) who leave Ideal Protein (or other no sugar/low carb diets) go absolutely batshit berserk for sugar when we used to be salt freaks?  Is it the deprivation?  What is it????

Hopefully we will figure this out, and more importantly, find a way to incorporate *some* amount of “reasonable” sugar back into our lives without it triggering some crazy addiction behavior.

Because all I want is the ability to enjoy a Yogurtland a couple of times a week on a summer night and not have the binges that I do now.

No relief

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Running gave me relief.  On this diet I can’t run.

Unfortunately this diet is making me crazy.  And work is not great right now.  So I need the stress-relief.

For 38 years my stress-relief was food.  I can’t have food.  I can’t run.

All I’m doing is sleeping, crying, being overly emotional, and a crazy mess.

Fun, huh?  I’m a regular joy to be around currently.