Week 13 Check-In (a couple of days late)


Date: 5/12/15

Loss(-)/Gain(+):  +1.4 lbs

Current Weight:  240.0 lbs

Well, I’m 2 days passed being pissed.  Other than the gum, which I’ve written about and threw away last Thursday night, I stayed ON PLAN.  Or what I knew the plan to be for myself.

In 2012 I was losing a huge amount of weight, and I figured I was in ketosis when I was 50 total carbs or under per day.  Well, apparently I was not in ketosis.  Or being 3 years younger made a difference.  Or who the hell knows what.

The ladies at the clinic and I just can’t figure out how I gained, because even with a calorie deficit, taking account of BMR, I should STILL be losing, and NOT gaining for the last 3 weeks.  So all we can figure is my carbs are too high, and my hunger is more, so I eat more protein calories overall, and then because I’m not in ketosis the body is storing the “extra calories” (which, I remind you is STILL a DEFICIT).


So the plan for this week is to be under 30 total carbs each day.  I haven’t eaten vegetables since Monday night.  I just peed on the stick and I’m in ketosis, so perhaps I will have some veggies tomorrow, but I’m thinking I may do a lot of days without veggies at all if I have to stay so low just to be in ketosis.

I know that’s not terribly healthy, but let’s face it, I didn’t gain all the weight by eating vegetables/fruits…..so if I have to go a few months with very few vegetables/no fruit, well, oh well.  Short term stress on the body for long term benefits.  I’ll eat vegetables and fruits when I get to my goal.

This is just damn difficult.  And yet, I’m so blessed to work from home so I’m not forced to have potlucks and whatnot in my face every day.

So that’s the scoop.  Not terribly positive, but onward we go.

A very nice day overall


I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.  Boyfriend has kidney stones, and he was up with pain.  I was up with grief.  While today was my 2nd Mother’s Day without mom being here physically with me, in many ways it was harder.  Last year we had mom’s memorial service the day before Mother’s Day (Saturday, May 10th), and Sunday May 11th I spent time with 2 of my mom’s first cousins, which helped tremendously.  Last night I was just sad.  The old thoughts come back of “did I do enough for my mom?”  I know I did, and I know nothing would ever feel like enough.  The best thing I have found to do for myself when grief happens in the middle of the night is to distract myself by watching television.  I do allow myself some time to think, but I try to do it more during daylight hours, when grief is easier to deal with.

Today I had a lovely day with my boyfriend and his mother.  I never had the chance to get to know my mother-in-law, when I had one, so this whole spending time with a significant others family is still new to me.  I’m happy to say that we had a very nice few hours together.  She is a very warm, very intelligent woman and I look forward to getting to know her more over time.

Oh, and today’s weigh in on my own scale showed a 5 pound drop……so heading in the right direction again.  Hunger is way under control, so I can firmly say I am living proof that too much of artificial sweeteners can mess things up and trick your body.

Overall, a fine day.  But I must say that I’m glad Mother’s Day is over.

The Journey Gets Real


Somehow I knocked myself out of ketosis, and it can only be one of two things, of which I will get to.

And I know I knocked myself out, not because of ketostix (peeing on a stick), because after a few days my body simply uses ketones efficiently, and there is never enough in my urine to get a reading.  I know because I hopped on the scale this morning and I was 5 pounds heavier…..and my time of the month is over.  So the weight gain is glycogen and water…..aka out of ketosis.

So, how did this happen?  I’m a bit perplexed by this one.  From a pure calories in/calories out perspective, I’m still way under my BMR daily needs.  From a carb/net carb perspective I’m under 40 carbs per day (and my threshold at least used to be 50-55).

The only things I did differently this week are 1) chew gum (sugar-free) like its my job and 2) added some unsweetened almond milk to my protein shakes along with some PB2.

As for the gum…..I’m talking 20-40 pieces per day.  And while it’s sugar-free, it has one carb per piece, and has the dreaded artificial sweetener which can fake your body into producing insulin as well as make you hungry.  Well, it was certainly making me hungry.  Like rendering the appetite suppressant useless kind of hunger.  I was eating more protein/more calories to satisfy my hunger.  Thursday night I actually threw out all the gum I had in my possession, and will not be purchasing more until I’m at goal weight, and maybe never.  It’s possible that gum is a gateway drug/trigger for me…..so I have to stay away.  It helps to have it to keep my mouth busy with chewing, as well as having something really sweet….but I have to go back to drinking hot coffee/tea with a little artificial sweetener or a PowerAde Zero for a sweet fix.

As for the almond milk….well I use Silk Vanilla UNSWEETENED Almond Milk, which is less than 1 carb per serving, 30 calories per serving, and one serving is 8 ounces.  So I’ve been adding almond milk to my shakes to add a little extra flavor and texture.  Then I’ve also added 1 TBSP of PB2 here and there to my shakes (and 1 TBSP is only 4 carbs)….again, I’ve accounted for the carbs in all of this……so all I can figure is my body is faked out by the sweetness, even artificial that it is, and it’s now out of ketosis.

So my plan going forward is the following:

1.  No more gum.  Threw it all out Thursday night, so haven’t had any since then.

2.  No more almond milk in shakes (a little in coffee is ok) and no more PB2 in shakes until I see weight loss, then I will limit it to a “treat” and in smaller quantities (perhaps only 4oz of almond milk in a shake per day, and 1 teaspoon of PB2 once a day.

Weight loss and weight maintenance are not perfect.  Even these accidental slip-ups can make a person feel down on themselves, but I don’t let it get me down for long.  I know it was truly an accident, so I’ve analyzed what could be the culprit(s) and have a plan to go forward.  It’s all I can do.

Over and out!

Perusing the blogs


The boyfriend and I are very different in our television habits.  I have a few shows I like to watch…..Grey’s Anatomy, Kardashians (I know, but I’m obviously not the only person watching), Louie…..he is a typical man with 5 shows happening at once and watching all of them, sort of.  Point being, I would rather read or do anything on the computer and/or tablet.  So lately I’ve been reading some new-to-me blogs about obesity and weight loss.  Sure helps to know I’m not alone.

It’s so sad when you can spot when someone is not really ready yet.  I’m an expert at not being ready yet.  My entire 2014 I was not ready yet.  I think I am, and I put all of these plans in place, etc…..but I really was not.  Anyway, when I see others writing in the same way, my heart goes out to them.  For instance, there is a woman I’m following who is in the first few days of her journey.  The rules and regulations she set out for herself (really, really strict, I might add) were amended day one (never a good sign), and have changed each day since.  And whenever I read/hear “I have to exercise every day” I know this is not a good sign…because it’s simply unrealistic, and it’s also unhealthy.

I wish that I could help all of us with addiction tendencies.  On another blog I read something like “I wish I could eat like a normal person”.  If I had a dollar for every time I’ve thought that about myself…..

This entry is a bit jumbled and stream of consciousness, but that’s ok.

I’ve been HUNGRY for the last 3 days.  HUNGRY.  Thinking that appetite suppressants are not all they are cracked up to be.  Currently, the clinic has me on Phentermine or something like that.  Whatevs.

Today I got my uncle’s ancestry.com dna profile…..which only made me sadder that I can’t have my mom’s profile done.  I can get through the days now without thinking about missing her so much, but it still seems unreal that I have to live the rest of my life without my mom physically here with me.  Mother’s Day is coming, and that just seems like a strange, empty day.  Kind of like a holiday for a religion you don’t personally practice.  Last year, my first Mother’s Day without my mom, was the day after her memorial service, and her cousins came to my house on their way up to Wisconsin to see other family (their’s, not mine)….so that was nice.  This year I will be visiting my boyfriend’s mother with him, which will also be nice.

But I would do anything to have one more day with my mom.

Too much of a good thing?


A couple of friends of mine, over the weekend, had a discussion with me where they shared their concerns about the potential of my gaining this weight back (not to be confused with the weight I gained back in 2013-2014).  I appreciate their concern, I really do.  And the last thing I want is to keep stressing my body out physically with huge losses and gains.  I think of Luther Vandross and the strain he put on his body going way up and way down over the years.  My intention is to lose this weight, and then go through the hardest work of maintenance.

It’s not going to be easy and I appreciate their wanting to get in front of the discussion.  All I know is I will be relying on friends, family, and my therapist to keep me accountable.  As well as OA.

Week 12 Check In


Date: 5/5/15

Loss(-)/Gain(+):  +0.4 lbs

Current Weight:  238.6 lbs

Not to worry…..still on plan.  According to their fancy scale, I lost 2.2 in fat this week, so the rest is water & muscle.  As a woman, you can only expect 3 positive weigh-ins a month.  That’s just how it goes.  When you wake up crampy and feeling like a bloated mess you know the number on the scale is not going to be in your favor.  It’s ok.

Walked a 5k on Sunday with a friend of mine.  We walked it last year and I’m quite sure we shaved 10 minutes off the time.  This year we were passing people.  Last year it was really difficult, this year was not.  Last year I was sore afterwards, this year not.  So all good progress!!!!

I think right now instead of missing any particular food I’m missing the convenience and freedom to eat whatever, whenever.  Eating healthy is difficult enough, but eating healthy while restricting calories/carbs takes a lot of effort in planning.  I’m used to it, just sometimes I miss the freedom.  But I don’t miss the weight….so there you go!

Week 11 Check In


Date: 4/28/15

Loss(-)/Gain(+):  -6.8 lbs

Current Weight:  238.2 lbs

Well, it looks like one more week of no veggies, but adding in the healthy fats worked wonderfully!  The new appetite suppressant worked too.  I never felt like the other actually suppressed appetite.

I’m starting to look and feel so much better.  Makes the hard work worth it……

In a separate, but related note:  It’s so interesting to read other weight loss blogs and compare/contrast.  In one blog, one woman is around 310 pounds, and just fit into a size 20 jeans.  When I was over 300 pounds I was in a size 28 and pushing 30.  Perhaps she is really tall.  In another blog a woman commented on losing 8-10 pounds a month if she really “kills it”.  And she just recently had gastric bypass…….

I’m averaging 15+ pounds a month.