Scared

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Well, I begin tomorrow.

I have to fast starting midnight tonight because they will be taking some blood in the morning at 9:30am.  As with most bloodwork fasts, I can drink water…..which makes the fast not difficult to do at all (for me).  I am ready to begin tomorrow, so I’m going to begin tomorrow….as opposed to Wednesday.  One more day of gluttony doesn’t make me feel any better, so might as well start this.

I’m scared to begin this.  I’m scared not to begin this.  Let’s explore….

I’m scared to begin this because……

  1. It’s damn difficult.
  2. What if I fail?
  3. My biggest supporter of my journey in 2012 is no longer with me on earth.
  4. It’s damn difficult.

I’m scared not to begin this because….

  1. My health…..so far I’ve not had irreversible consequences of my obesity, but will not be able to say that much longer.
  2. I would probably lose my boyfriend.  He’s never said it.  He’s been with me as I’ve gained 100 pounds.  But I think it’s been an understanding that I need to do something for my health, as well as look more like the woman he met.  I want to look and feel like the woman he met too.  I don’t feel like I look good now, so why should anyone else?  Plus, on my vacation I was a hot, sweaty mess all the time.  All.  The.  Time.  Next vacation I want to sweat like a normal person.

Being scared is not bad.  Letting it immobilize you is.  Therefore, we do this.  Tomorrow.

I did it before, and I will do it again.  Besides, we already know that I’m awesome at weight loss…..it’s the weight maintenance I suck at.  So the real work will begin with maintenance.

But it’s all real work.

Will be interesting to see how I deal with life without food to use as a crutch, especially now that my best friend, roommate, my heart, my soul, my mom, is no longer here.

All she ever wanted for me was to be healthy…..so I will do this for her, as well as my dad, and myself.

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