Six months ago today I was at my condo, exhausted, and with my dad.
At 5 minutes after midnight we lost my mom. It was my parent’s 43rd anniversary.
So exactly 6 months ago I was at home. In a daze. I remember the Olympics were on. I knew it was good to be home, after barely having been there in days. I was grateful my dad and I were there together. It was good to be home with the cats.
I think I will blog about those final weeks with my mom soon. i want to remember it.
I start going to a grief support group in mid-September. I look forward to being in a room with others who are grieving, to have that community.
I will say that I’m proud that it did not even take the full six months to start to get my health act back together. Today was Day 11 of 500 calories. Still at it. My mom would be very happy about that.
Woke up at 4am feeling nauseous. This diet sucks. Yet I persevere.
Sometimes I wonder if I did enough for my mom. If I had encouraged her more to exercise, would that have helped her overall health? If we hadn’t argued so much in her last year about my choice of boyfriend….and some of those arguments were not pretty….would her stress level been better and therefore good enough to keep her alive? Because I would do everything different if she could be here with me now.
Weight loss mode sucks. Maintenance sucks. Weight gain sucks. The only thing that doesn’t suck is the act of gaining the weight.
I thought a little while ago about heading to Indiana to visit some family, and surprise them by taking them to dinner. Then I realized I don’t get to eat restaurant food. I could bring along my own food, I guess. The whole thing is simply irritating.
I wish I could be one of those people who can do a nice well-rounded program like Weight Watchers to lose the weight. But for some reason, that gives me too much lee-way during weight loss phase. However, I plan on doing Weight Watchers once I’m at my goal weight, as the check and balance I need to maintain.
During weight loss phase I find that going hard-core works for me….because you see/feel the results steadily and quickly. While it might be painful going through it (emotionally), it really works best for me.
So this is day #7 of 500 calories, with 34 more to go.
HCG Spray started Thursday, 8/7. Thursday & Friday were what is called “Phase 1” (aka “Gorge Days”) which you are to eat anything you want, and actually more than you want. Unfortunately, the spray made me nauseous during the gorge days, but whatever. 38 days of spray and 500 calories together. 3 days of 500 calories AFTER you finish the spray. So that’s why I have 34 more days of 500 calories.
I don’t have great concentration, nor do I have great energy yet. I’m still hungry a good portion of the time.
But I do know it sucks. It simply all sucks.
I thought the blog might need a makeover, so after spending more than an hour fooling around with all of the great templates WordPress offers, I chose this one. It is just the right mix of cute and creepy.
I don’t know what I mean by that.
Let’s see if it grows on us.
I’ve had one of those days where I’ve thought it was either Tuesday or Thursday all day……but certainly not Wednesday. But I’ve know all day long that today was day #5 of only 500 calories.
I’m feeling better. Little more energy, little less headaches. Little less hunger pangs. It’s still harder than heck, but I will do it.
My body has already adjusted to at least 80 oz of water a day. My body has been ridding itself of toxins. So everything is on track.
I feel like I’ve traded in cost for hunger. With Ideal Protein I was rarely hungry, but I spent a ton of money. With HCG I’m almost always hungry, but spending very very little.
I’m really glad I’ve made the decision to NOT step on the scale until mid-September (after HCG round one). I really do not want to run the risk of the mind games that could easily be “I starved myself for only THAT amount of loss?” Best to just follow the plan as written, do my best, and then find out the numbers at the end. If I didn’t see the touted 30-40 pounds lost, then I will reevaluate whether or not I want to do a 2nd round.
So there you have it.
I am also sorry to hear about Robin Williams’ death. He was a great talent. Like almost everyone on the planet, I enjoyed his vast body of work. I’m so very sorry for his family.
I only hope the bright light in all of this is the fact that his passing is giving a voice to mental illness.
I have way too many Facebook friends who have posted about crying over his death, etc……It actually irritates me. I think it’s because I’m jealous. I’m jealous of the fact that so many people have NOT experienced the loss of a personal loved one that they can get so emotionally torn up over a celebrity passing.
Because let me tell you….once you lose a close loved one, many things are put into perspective. And crying over the death of a celebrity, even one I appreciated, just will not be happening. Not anymore.