Daily Archives: July 30, 2013

If I had one wish


If I had one wish, I would wish for this illness of food addiction/dysfunctional relationship with food to be removed from me.

It is something that has been in my brain almost every moment of every day of my life.

Either obsessive calorie/carb/points counting and journaling, or eating whatever/whenever but then having self-hatred/fear all day long.

Why can’t I just not give a crap about food?  Will I really have to log my food into a journal every day for the rest of my life?  It’s all so overwhelming.

Meanwhile, I still just want my clothes to fit.  How did I let this happen to myself?  How did I allow myself to get over 200 again?  How??????????

I’m embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted.  I know I need to forgive myself…..but I actually hate myself for what I’ve done.  I’ve set myself back.  I could be at 160 by now, or close……instead I’ve gone in the other direction for the last 2 months.

Back to eating hard-boiled eggs and a protein drink for lunch.  When will it end?

Do I forgive myself?


Forgiveness of self.  Very difficult for most of us to do, yet so critical to our own health.

I’ve committed to putting myself first again….not allowing stress to take over and enabling me to make poor food choices.  36 hours in and so far so good.  🙂

Yesterday I had a good day of under 1800 calories and right around 80 carbs.  I’m not trying to go into ketosis, I’m just trying to stay “low enough” carb to curb the blood sugar highs and lows and cravings.

In other words, I don’t really know what I’m doing.

A commenter of yesterday’s post made a great point about my being all or nothing.  That sums it up perfectly.  Only, that is no way to live.  When I’ve been in “nothing” mode I’ve lost weight.  When I’ve been in “all” mode I’ve gained.

All I know right now is I’ve been bouncing in and out of ketosis so frequently over the last few months that I need to stabilize and do maybe more of a calorie restriction/exercise approach while trying to not have sugar (except occasionally in fruit/veggies) and only complex carbs. 

I just want my clothes to fit and then maybe I can employ a more moderate approach to life. 

I need to forgive myself for gaining weight.  38 years is a lifetime of eating to deal with stress, and just because I did a restrictive program for a year and dropped a bunch of weight did not erase all of the years of coping mechanisms relating to food.  

I always knew that Ideal Protein was not really teaching me how to eat in the real world.  I mean, it was and it wasn’t.  Basically, their way is one of wacky deprivation.

But I don’t know the answers.  All I know is I need more of my clothes to fit.