Back in the office today and someone brought in donuts for the department. Add to the fact that every day I’m surrounded by chocolate……
Today is day 4. I have felt physically terrible since Sunday morning….and to top it all off I weighed 207.9 this morning (.9 more than yesterday). I’m having a lot of gastrointestinal distress from the change of eating, so perhaps that is what is causing the gain. Whatever. I haven’t strayed from the plan. The plan just sucks. It always does.
So of course the addict in me wants sugar. Badly. I want to feel better. A dopamine fix. Disregard the fact that sugar withdrawal is why I’m sitting here feeling so physically “blah”. But there is a big part of my psyche that wants to say “screw it”.
I can’t. I won’t. I don’t have it in me to go through withdrawals AGAIN so soon, if I was to go ahead and have sugar today. It would be a temporary fix for a permanent issue.
I just don’t know why I couldn’t have been someone who eats to live. I’m dating one of those people right now. Not only does he tend to be thin anyway, but even when he eats he only eats moderate amounts. And believe me, he only eats junk. Now I know eating junk is not good for anyone. I just wish that when I ate junk it didn’t set me off on a spiral of eating more and more and more. He eats junk, maybe not even everything on his plate, and then doesn’t think about eating again for several hours.
I hate being an addict. I really and truly hate it.