Monthly Archives: July 2013

I can do this

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I can do anything.

I’ve lost more than 100 pounds.

I can lose 50 more.

I can learn to eat moderately.

I can learn to have a healthy relationship with food.

I can do this because I can do anything.

I can do this.

If I had one wish

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If I had one wish, I would wish for this illness of food addiction/dysfunctional relationship with food to be removed from me.

It is something that has been in my brain almost every moment of every day of my life.

Either obsessive calorie/carb/points counting and journaling, or eating whatever/whenever but then having self-hatred/fear all day long.

Why can’t I just not give a crap about food?  Will I really have to log my food into a journal every day for the rest of my life?  It’s all so overwhelming.

Meanwhile, I still just want my clothes to fit.  How did I let this happen to myself?  How did I allow myself to get over 200 again?  How??????????

I’m embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted.  I know I need to forgive myself…..but I actually hate myself for what I’ve done.  I’ve set myself back.  I could be at 160 by now, or close……instead I’ve gone in the other direction for the last 2 months.

Back to eating hard-boiled eggs and a protein drink for lunch.  When will it end?

Do I forgive myself?

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Forgiveness of self.  Very difficult for most of us to do, yet so critical to our own health.

I’ve committed to putting myself first again….not allowing stress to take over and enabling me to make poor food choices.  36 hours in and so far so good.  🙂

Yesterday I had a good day of under 1800 calories and right around 80 carbs.  I’m not trying to go into ketosis, I’m just trying to stay “low enough” carb to curb the blood sugar highs and lows and cravings.

In other words, I don’t really know what I’m doing.

A commenter of yesterday’s post made a great point about my being all or nothing.  That sums it up perfectly.  Only, that is no way to live.  When I’ve been in “nothing” mode I’ve lost weight.  When I’ve been in “all” mode I’ve gained.

All I know right now is I’ve been bouncing in and out of ketosis so frequently over the last few months that I need to stabilize and do maybe more of a calorie restriction/exercise approach while trying to not have sugar (except occasionally in fruit/veggies) and only complex carbs. 

I just want my clothes to fit and then maybe I can employ a more moderate approach to life. 

I need to forgive myself for gaining weight.  38 years is a lifetime of eating to deal with stress, and just because I did a restrictive program for a year and dropped a bunch of weight did not erase all of the years of coping mechanisms relating to food.  

I always knew that Ideal Protein was not really teaching me how to eat in the real world.  I mean, it was and it wasn’t.  Basically, their way is one of wacky deprivation.

But I don’t know the answers.  All I know is I need more of my clothes to fit.

For real for real….and I mean it this time

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Day 1 begins today!  Yes, it’s day 1 again!  YAY!!!!!!

What is going on??????

I always knew part of my journey was going to be learning how to deal with stress.  During the vast majority of my weight loss in 2012 I was relatively stress-free, and I just was in the mind-frame that nothing was going to derail me.

I’ve gotten away from that mindset.  The “big whiny baby” part of my subconscious has been screaming louder than the rational, adult part.  The baby wants to eat any and all foods again, only has not learned how to do that in moderation.  The baby wants to not eat as many vegetables.  The baby wants to do whatever she wants.

I’ve had some stresses in my life.  BIG DEAL.  We all have them.  What I will be getting back to TODAY is dealing with those stresses in ways that will not add more stress to the situation.  Yes, eating ice cream is a lovely 5 minute diversion from stress…..but then makes the stress worse because I emotionally/mentally/physically feel bad afterwards.

We are at a crisis point……I’ve got about 4 things in my closet that I feel comfortable wearing right now and I WILL NOT buy larger sizes!!!!!!!!!!!  So this bus is turning around immediately!!!!!!!

What is my plan?  Low-ish carbs (only going to eat “good carbs” that are complex), “good sugars” like fruit (I’m not going seek out fruit, but I’m not going to deny myself fruit either).  Basically I need to ask myself “Is this providing me nutrition?” and if the answer is “no”, then I won’t eat or drink it.

Onward!!!

Disappointing myself

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I used my blog to air laundry that didn’t need to be aired.  I know better than that.  I am better than that.  It won’t happen again.

This is my blog about my weight loss journey, as well as some bits and pieces.  It should not be where I cryptically, or not so cryptically, give private details of any relationships (romantic or otherwise).  Those details should be between me and whatever person, and that is all.

Those posts have been deleted.

Onward we go.  Have a good day to one and all!

I’m making a comeback

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206.5 on the morning of day 5.  Definitely in ketosis, and 6.9 pounds down from Friday morning.  My face looks a little thinner.  I’m still in “fat pants”, but only because they are just more comfortable.  I’m still dealing with some gastrointentinal issues which is making me feel bloated, but hopefully that will be gone soon (been having issues for 2 days now).

It never gets easier, mostly because this diet does feel like deprivation with no fruit or good carbs or cheese.  If I could just figure out a way to eat in moderation…..

I want to stay on the IP principled diet (sans IP products) until I can’t stand it anymore, or until I reach 199.9.  However, if I stayed on it faithfully, I could get to 170 in 3 months, if I get back to the 12 lbs/month loss I was doing in my heyday.  That would put me at the end of October.  I can do that, as long as there are no trips coming up in those 3 months.  Overnights are fine.  It’s like a week in Vegas or on a cruise that would be the issue.

I just know I felt better and looked better at 185, and will look and feel even better at 170, and maybe even 160.

Why is it always so damn hard?

If I could just feel better physically it wouldn’t be quite so difficult…..