Daily Archives: May 24, 2013

Really funny reference librarian video

Video

Awesome. My favorite moment….”but the Kodiak bear has the bubonic plague…..”

Choose to be positive

Standard

OK, considering the vast majority of my posts are positive I can’t beat myself up too much about last night’s meltdown.  You all know I love Ideal Protein.  You all know I’ve lost 100+ pounds since May 30th, 2012.  You all know.  

It’s also good to be transparent with my struggles, because I don’t want anyone to think, not for a moment, that this has been easy.  Nor do I want anyone to think that just because I’ve lost most of the weight I want to lose that the struggle is over.  This will be a lifelong struggle for me, and that’s just the truth.

With any struggle there will be easier times and harder times.  At this juncture it’s been a bit more difficult, for many reasons.  And going through sugar/carb withdrawal 2 weeks in a row is nothing I would recommend.  Those closest to me, emotionally and by proximity, have bared the brunt of the emotional roller coaster and I’m really sorry about that.  I’m human.  I continue to try to improve, but I am human.

That said I’m going to view food as medicine for now, and nothing more.  I have to look at everything I can’t eat right now as poison, and maybe that will help.  I don’t know.

All I can do is try.

I really miss running because it was such a great stress relief and now it’s like I have nothing for stress relief.  

191.2 this morning.  If I could just never see the 190’s again I will be a very happy girl.  And the only one who can ensure I never see them again is the woman writing this blog.

So here I go.  Again.

I am really upset

Standard

I’m just sick of being on this diet.  Nothing tastes good to me anymore.  If I have another piece of bland chicken, or another green vegetable with nothing on it besides salt, or another protein drink….I think I might vomit.

I’m so weary.  I’m so tired of being able to order maybe 2 things on any menu, and still having to customize the order.  And I’m tired of not being able to drink anything besides water and coffee (but only 1 oz of skim milk….God forbid you have more than 1 oz of skim milk per day in your coffee).  I want a diet soda now and then.  I want a margarita now and then.  For Memorial Day I would like to eat a bun with my hamburger or hot dog, and put ketchup on it, and eat potato salad and chips and baked beans.  Guess what?  Other than the ground beef I can’t eat any of it!!!!!!!  Not one bit of it!!!!!!!  Fun Memorial Day picnic, huh?

All of this for 20 more pounds.  I hate weight.  I hate that most men only want to be with thin women.  I hate that most women have serious issues with their bodies and with food because men only want to be with thin women.  And I hate that I will never be thin.  The best I can do is to just not be fat.  But I’ll never be able to wear a bikini.  Never.  Not unless I win the lottery and can have skin removal surgery.  It’s just my punishment for being such a terrible, flawed person who medicated herself with food and now I live in a shell of a body that will never look right no matter how much weight I lose.

I hate broccoli and cauliflower.  I hate almost all vegetables.  I can’t stand eating healthy foods, but I enjoy feeling healthy.  Healthy foods taste terrible.  All of the people who say their tastes change after eating healthy and losing weight are LIARS.

I hate that I have a food addiction.  I hate it when there are people who do not have addiction and cannot understand understand or empathize with addiction.  If I could simply “watch what I eat” or “not care about food” then I wouldn’t have ever gotten to 327 pounds at my heaviest.

I hate that I have no coping mechanisms.  Running was great, but then it got in the way of the precious Ideal Protein diet.  I will never understand how physical activity can counteract a diet…..but I’m living proof that it can….because I ran from January – April and lost only 10 pounds…..and should have been at my goal weight by now.

And I hate my goal weight.  Yes, I picked 170.  But 170 can go to hell.  I hate everything about weight, food, diet, and numbers.

And yes, I used the word hate a lot in this post.  Oh well.