Daily Archives: April 19, 2013

Now I’ve lost the equivalent of my mom

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My mom lost about 15 pounds since I’ve been on my program.  She now varies between 135-137 most days.

My highest known weight was 327, and that was in September 2006.  This morning I weighed 191.

I’m 136 pounds less than my heaviest weight.  Holy helicopter.

The past is past

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A friend of mine just got divorced at the age of 49, after contemplating it several times over the last decade, and after being with the person for 30 years.  She’s had to work through a lot of thoughts of wishing she had divorced 10 years ago, 20 years ago, whatever.

And I always tell her that at least she did it at the age of 49 and not 59.  She agrees, and we move on.

However, I’ve had more and more of these thoughts recently.  What would my life have been like had I looked and felt this good at 25, 30, 35?  Would I be married?  Would I have children?  Would I be a professional musician?

A person can go mad if they let themselves ruminate on these types of thoughts for too long.  I am who I am because of all of my choices, and the choices of those around me.  I’m a product of coincidence and my own creation.  No matter what, I can’t change anything that has happened. I can only try to guide my future….and even the future is not completely in my control.

Perhaps I’m not supposed to be married now or ever again.  Perhaps I’m not supposed to have children now or ever.  Perhaps I’m supposed to be doing exactly what I’m doing and how I’m doing it.

Being married and having children is not all it’s cracked up to be.  If I had a dollar for every time someone said to me “I love my husband….but I would never do it again” or “I love my kids….but I would never do it again” I would at least be able to buy several coffees at Starbucks.

I’m just trying to be the best me I can.  There is only one me.  In the last few years I’ve worked really hard at loving myself, forgiving myself and others, letting go, etc….and the culmination of that work brought me to May 30th, 2012.  And now life is just so good I can barely stand it!

Yay for me!  Yep.  Yay for me!  

Guess it’s time for bed.  Later peeps.

I can’t believe I forgot to mention this…..

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I’ve had an interesting “problem” that last several days that I have not experienced in years.  

If you recall, from blog entries past, I’ve been overwhelmed by shopping, because of all of the choice.  It’s still that way to a point, but it’s better.  I’ve tried on enough ladies sizes 12-14-16 and XL (not women’s sizes 14W-16W and 1X, 2X) to trust that most of what I grab from the rack is going to fit.  Some things run small, but that happens even if you are 90 pounds or 500 pounds. But 90% of what I try on fits.  It’s still unbelievable to me, but it’s really cool.  I can try on 75 pieces of clothing (no exaggeration….I probably tried on 75 pieces of clothing the other day at SAVERS) and not sweat.  It’s just so different.

But the coolest thing of all has happened in the last few days.

See, when you are large (and for me this was really anything 220+ pounds, for some it might be 250+, and some it might be 175+) you simply buy for “this will do”.  As in “that fits good enough, it looks good enough, and the price is good enough”.  You know you are going to pay premium because you have the audacity to be fat and use extra material.  So you simply have a lower bar.  The bar that asks “would I embarrass myself or others if I wear this?”; the bar that asks “will this do?”.  

Sigh.

So in the last few days I’ve turned a corner where I’m trying on clothes and everything looks great.  Everything looks cute.  I get to be picky.  I get to try things on 4 times before I decide to take it, or not.  It becomes “is this the best one?” “do you like this one more than the other 5 that looked good?”.  And I get to really factor in price.  It’s a whole new world.

I used to look atrocious in dresses so I haven’t had one in years.  Years.  Years.  Did I mention years?  I’ve had maybe a handful of skirts, because 2 pieces looked better than 1….just how my body goes with clothes.  But I now am the proud owner of 2 dresses.  And I look very nice in them.  Actually, I feel quite outstanding in them too.

So that’s that.

Efficiency!

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OK, so I’m doing a quick blog while I’m listening to my grad school class chat.

I found a swimsuit.  It took a village.  Told you it would.

I had swim pieces and parts from Kohl’s, Carson Pirie Scott, and Spanx.  And the winner…………bottom from Carson Pirie Scott, top from Spanx.  And I look like the after picture of Jabba the Hut’s mother.  😉

I have 2 dresses, of which I will take one and save one for other occasions.  I bought underclothing (I needed to anyway) and one new set of PJ’s (I needed to anyway).

Long story short….I’ve been shopping without my mom, so overbought to try things on for her at home so she could help me decide, then I did a round of returns this evening.  CRAZY!!!

This weekend I have to be sequestered with my final exam.  I also have to fit in my good friend for a Friday night dinner & shoe shopping.  Saturday is a hair trim.

I prepared some meals for over the weekend today while I prepared tonight’s dinner.

I’m making myself tired just looking at this.

And…..I’m putting a bow on a few things at work before I head out as well.

But I can’t wait!  To get out of town will be just what the doctor ordered!  To be in the warmth and sun will be heavenly!  To be in the company of someone I genuinely admire, enjoy, and adore will be the icing on the cake.

On the diet front I weighed in at 191.1 this morning….so 14.2 lost in one week.  I’m down 2 inches in my waist since my last official weigh-in at my clinic on 3/28.  My coach thinks the 15 pound gain was water weight but also inflammation of insides being really mad at me for eating crappy food.  We also talked about my vacation and what I’m going to do about eating.  Long story short……no alcohol for me (no big loss) because people can black out if they drink while in ketosis.  Also, I’m going to go ahead and have some desserts, but for the most part stick to my products (which I’m bringing) and also protein and veggies.

Oh, and she just attended a 4 day seminar of Ideal Protein where the experts spoke for one hour….one full hour….on why people in Phase 1 should NOT run.  Yep.  So I really was fighting myself for 3 months.   Starving all the time and losing muscle.  Great.  At least I’m on the straight and narrow again.

Rock on!